David Luiz’s Top Ten Sideshow Moments


Yes, he’s at it again. David Luiz, part-time defender and all-around football comedy stylist, again caused the world to snort out a breath of mirth upon seeing his latest stunt. During PSG’s Champions League tie with Chelsea, the Brazilian defender was seen wiping away the vanishing spray that had been put down by the referee only moments before. Luiz evidently must have thought that the placement of the ball should have been a little more to the left, so he scooped up a handful of the highly flammable substance that German researchers have claimed is “hormonally active”, and tried to shift it to the left. As should have been expected, the spray vanished completely upon contact with the defender’s hand, and the re-wiping was unsuccessful. After all Luiz’s cunning work, Zlatan Ibrahimovic contrived to miss the free kick, because apparently shifting the ball a few inches to the left isn’t actually the difference between a goal and a row z-er. Who’d have thought?

This latest hijink is now just one on an ever growing list. Let’s remember some of Luiz’s best sideshow moments.

The Smiling Assassin

One of the most enduring images of Luiz comes from this moment. In 2013, in a match against Manchester United, Luiz cruelly goaded young Rafael into earning a second yellow card. Taking the ball into the corner, he infuriated Rafael to such a degree, that a brutal Brazilian-on-Brazilian kicking was thoroughly in order. As soon as the deed was done, and Rafael’s fate was sealed, Luiz wasted no time in enjoying his own personal celebratory grin, while still clutching his shin on the turf. Luis later explained that his smile was aimed at the United fans who had been calling him “Sideshow Bob”. Cheeky bugger.

Not me, sir!

Carlo Ancelotti was very angry indeed. Something had wound him right up, and he needed a good old fashioned shout. Luiz was keen to offer a swift retort to the highly decorated manager.

Can somebody do a background check?

After rising to the heady heights of the Chelsea FC in-house television station, this poor presenter must have been livid about the utter lack of respect Luiz had for her sycophantic monologuing. The rest of us were just thankful that the planned televised training session had begun on a high note.

Sideshow *Bob*…get it?…Because his head is bobbing…? Oh, forget it.

Exactly what Luiz was doing there is anyone’s guess. Sandwiched awkwardly between Frank Lampard and Fernando Torres, he does his utmost to physically assure both Fernando and Frank that their answers are of the very highest quality. A nod is as good as a wink to a Premier League post-match interviewer.

Listening in.

“Look here, David, Lewis and I are trying to have a private conversation about tactics, and about how it’s a good idea to play a high line with Michael Dawson in defence, and about how I was never given a proper chance at Chelsea, and about how damn fine my hair looks today, so rack off!”

Driving me crazy.

Nothing like a leisurely spin in the groundsman’s buggy to start a training session. Especially nice was the Starksy and Hutch style screech-to-a-holt finish. He might have driven Torres to the end of the practice pitch, just to show him where the goal is, am I right?!

Well, we’ve got nothing to Luiz.

There were times when it felt like Fernando Torres would never score again. Watching him slope around in a Chelsea uniform was like watching another player entirely, one who couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat. But Luiz never lost faith. And faith is the word; watch how Luiz works a near miracle by placing a blessing on his team mate, who would then go on to score twice in the match.

Take a bow, son.

Of course, there were some legitimate footballing highlights, like this absolute belter Luiz scored against Fulham. A sweeter connection, the man has not made. Oh, wait, yes he has, in the World Cup, of all places.

Speaking of the World Cup…

Of course, we can’t make a list of hilarious David Luiz moments without including this. Luiz was at the epicentre of Brazil’s seismic collapse to Germany in the 2014 World Cup in, to make things worse, Brazil. I imagine this is what it must have been like watching the Hindenburg descend into oblivion. Certainly, Luiz’s defensive intuitions crashed and burned spectacularly. He was directly at fault for at least two of the seven goals Germany rattled in, and was in tears at full time. It was an implosion the likes of which has never been seen, especially at a World Cup. One helpful person has compiled a highlight reel of Luiz’s moments during the match, though I think their choice of music is a little unkind.

How much? HOW MUCH?

And now, to end it, the biggest trick David Luiz has ever pulled. £50 million was the price tag, and Chelsea were rolling around on the floor laughing. Luiz had fallen out of the starting line up completely, and yet became the world’s most expensive defender. We all turned to one another, jaws agape, and PSG looked around at everyone, money spurting out of their trousers, saying “…what?”.

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